Playing With Matches

“There are two kinds of people in the world,” he told me. “Those who like Barry Manilow — and those who don’t.”

I had a sinking feeling that I was talking to yet another fanilow.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I don’t.”

“Me neither,” he said. “There’s really nothing in between.”

This is a guy who I have been playing a half-hearted game of maybe-we-should-meet for about two years. I lived in Texas, he lived in Baltimore. He said he visited Texas. I said I visited Baltimore. But, we never connected. This summer, I called him to say that I live a lot closer to Baltimore, but he was out of the country. . .. The last I spoke to him was around Hanukkah time when he called to tell me about some hideous kidney surgery he was about to have, and about his dad’s rare lymphoma. (My dad once asked me if I was running a hospice since so many of my boyfriend’s mom’s had cancer.)

He called and said he was going snowboarding in Denver this weekend, but how about we meet next week?

Sure, I said.

“It will be a full moon,” he said.

“Is it?” I asked. “I don’t keep track.”

“I do,” he said.

“Are you a werewolf?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “This is going to sound weird, but my mom and my sisters….” 

Please, please, please don’t say it – I silently begged him in my head. Please say that they’re witches — or wicken or some weird moon-worshiping women.

But, he continued… telling me that whenever there’s a full moon, his mom and sisters are all menstruating.

Put a gun to my brothers’ heads and they would have no idea when I’ve got my period. (My very Catholic sister-in-law is always uncomfortable when Jewish women come up to her at Little League games and start talking about their cycle. But this is the first time a Jewish guy ever just started talking about it to me. Ick.)

I tried to change the subject. For some reason he started talking about incest. I told him I refused to continue that flowers-in-the-attic conversation.

There’s something about this guy’s JDate picture that I always found appealing. He says he doesn’t have any trouble meeting people — just he’s already met or been set up with everyone in his zip code. He wants to meet someone new. But, so far, no luck. He says he tries to tell himself to lower his expectations before every date. But often, he thinks that if the woman would just get up and go to the bathroom and never come back — that would be fine.

He did date a girl for four months — but she was psycho. She lived in Atlanta, and after four months, she wanted to quit her job and move to Baltimore. (I don’t necessarily find that psychotic — I did, however, find the nice Jewish guy on Millionaire Matchmaker last night who proposed on the FIRST DATE a little bit insane. And what was up with his eyebrows?)

This girl also photoshopped Baltimore boy’s head onto pictures of her ex boyfriends. He was looking through photo albums of her vacations, and was like, “Uhm, I didn’t go on this trip.”

(Didn’t that happen on The Office? Didn’t Michael photoshop himself into a picture of his girlfriend and her ex husband and kids skiing and make it his Christmas card?) 

She told him if he wanted to meet her parents, he had to give her a ring.

Honestly, no guy (other than my gay friend Brian in college) has met my parents. I think at this point, they might get a little too, jump-out-of-their-skin excited if I bring a random, nice Jewish boyfriend home. So, I can understand not wanting to meet parents before you’re serious.

He told her he wanted to take her on a trip first before he proposed. He says he loves traveling. He’s going to Belize soon. Then maybe Fiji. If we like each other, he invited me to go with him.

I do need a vacation.